|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Cheryl bought me a beautiful gig bag in Istanbul, but I seem to constantly need to clean it out. Besides the JoRal Straight, cup, wah-wah, and bucket mute, the Stonelined Solotone and Pixie, a plunger from Lithuania, some mics and a broken trombone stand, there seems to be an assortment of odds and ends that I can't seem to trace. Here they are:
The Psychology of Tromboning
It should be easy to write an article about the inside of the trombone player's head--there's so much room there! And if you understand that, you understand the essence of the trombone player's personality. Supremely confident, superhero, the perfection of the human race--these terms don't come close to describing the trombonist's opinion of himself, and yet they greatly exceed the opinion that others hold of him.
A gentleman is a person who can play the trombone, but doesn't.
What accounts for this remarkable self-image? Perhaps it is the awesome responsibility involved in playing the trombone. You see, most brass instruments have 3 valves, which can be open or closed, yielding 8 possible combinations. However, playing valves 1 and 2 is the same as valve 3, so there are effectively 7 valve combinations from which to produce notes. The trombone, with its slide, has an infinite number of positions, and while only 7 are recommended, the trombonist feels responsible for all of them, and in fact, plays many positions that are totally uncalled for. It's an awesome responsibility.
The trombonist is the only wind player who can play a glissando. Or wants to.
And why did Meredith Willson write "76 Trombones"? I believe it was because he knew what trombone players know: that more is better. In addition trombonists save conductors a lot of rehearsal time. They never have to be told to play louder.
What's the difference between a trombone player and a certificate of deposit? Eventually, the CD matures and starts earning some money.
Think about it. If you were playing a gig and your band was attacked, and you had to use your instrument as a weapon, would you rather have a clarinet, a trumpet, or a trombone with its variable length poker? Trombone players carry this same weapon mentality right into the rehearsal room. Be thankful for them.
The front line of a dance band was killed in a car accident, and went to heaven. God greeted each one personally and asked what each did while on earth. The first said, "I was a trumpet player and a music teacher, and I taught people to use the gift of music." The second said, "I was a tenor sax player, and made people happy with my playing." The third one said, "I was a trombone player, and I believe you're sitting in my chair."
Trombone Voodoo
My tone is so bad, I'm so forlorn
I need something new to stick on my horn;
whatever works is a big temptation,
maybe what I need is an incantation...
"Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble..
Bring me a high-F and make it double.
Powdered bat-wing, eye of newt...
all I want to do is toot!"
A heavy weight bell, or new valve oil,
(do I freeze my horn or make it boil?)
A new bored out mouthpiece or two for sure,
I'll scrape off the laquer to find a cure.
Automatic spit valves would be the cutest;
I just wanna be a real good TOOTIST!
A weight on my tuning slide? Now that's the ticket,
but I'm running out of places to stick it.
If trombone voodoo is what it takes
I'll see what difference this stuff all makes.
With a new kind of slide cream and a mute or two
I'll circular breathe till my face turns blue.
But it just doesn't work, 'cause I still sound bad,
and I think that maybe I've been had,
so I'll send it all back, even tho it was fun,
and get out my Kopprasch, and start on page one...
-Anonymous member of the Trombone-L
Some More Trombone Humor
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a trombone player." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo
Trombone Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Q: What do you call a trombonist with a pager, cell phone, palm pilot, and gig bag?
A: An extreem optimist.
Glissando: A technique adopted by trombone players for difficult runs.
Q: How many trombone players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What do a trombone solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: Why do trombonist leave their cases on the front seat?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: How are trombonists like linoleum?
A: Lay them once and you can walk on them forever.
Q: What's the difference between a trombone player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to trombone players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What do call a trombone player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding trombonist running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
Q: Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the road?
A1: The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.
A2: There are skid marks in front of the snake.
A gentleman is a guy who knows how to play a trombone and doesn't.
A missionary, on a very important trip in the depths of the jungles of the Congo, comes upon a lost civilization, which strangely has a deep connection with music. In fact, everywhere he went, he heard in the distance the constant beat of drums. He decides to try and convert these people, but the first thing he had to do was learn their language. After almost three years, he finally deciphers the language. He approches the chief, and the very first thing that the missionary asks is,"Great Chief, everywhere I go here I hear drum beats. Why do you constantly play the drums?" The Great Chief respondes,"IF DRUMS STOP, TERRIBLE DISASTER WILL OCCUR." The missionary, somewhat puzzeled, asks,"Do you think that there will be a flood, earthquake, disease, famine, what?" The Chief shakes his head sadly and says,"EVEN WORSE. IF THE DRUMS EVER STOP, BIG TROMBONE SOLO!!!"
Q: What's the difference between a weed-eater and a trombone?
A:Your neighbor will get angry if you don't return the weed-eater.
What do the letters pp mean to a trombone player?
A1: An opportunity for an improvised solo.
A2: A polite reminder that he has been playing too loud for the past 5 minutes.
Q: What do you say to a trombonist who is wearing a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"
Q: How do you make a trombone player drive faster?
A: Take the pizza sign off the top of his car.
Q: What does the trombonist say when he gets to his gig?
A: "You want fries with that?"
Q: What did the trombonist get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: What kind of calender does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A: Year-at-a-Glance
Q: How can you tell that a trombonist's kid is on a playground?
A: He can't swing and he complains about the slide.
It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!
Four guys die the same day and approach the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter says, "This won't affect your admission up here, fellas, but I need some information for our records."
First guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make last year?" Guy says, "Oh, about $ 98,000."
Saint Peter says, "What did you do for a living?" Guy says, "I was a systems analyst for an engineering firm."
Saint Peter says, "Go right on in."
Second guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make last
year?" Guy says, "I grossed about $ 240,000."
Saint Peter says, "What did you do for a living?" Guy says, "I was a creative director at an ad agency."
Saint Peter says, "Go right on in."
Third guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make last year?" Guy says, "I pulled in about $ 35,000."
Saint Peter says, "What did you do for a living?" Guy says, "I was an orthidontist."
Saint Peter says, "Go right on in."
Fourth guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make last year?" Guy says, "I made $ 476.00"
Saint Peter says, "Did you like playing the trombone?"
Since the first article appeared, many people have offered me their favorite trombone jokes. Here are some of them:
Q. What is the difference between a trombone player and a V-8 engine?
A. You can tune the V-8.
Q. What is a trombonist's favorite beer?
A. "Blatz."
You will not find the word "fear" in the trombonist's vocabulary. Or "piano", "mezzo piano", or "pianissimo".
Surviving Trombonists
Here are some practical tips for people who must live, work and play with trombonists.
MARCHING BAND DIRECTORS: Put the trombones in the front rank. They will think they are leading the band, and other players will appreciate not having to stand in front of them.
CONCERT BAND DIRECTORS: When someone asks to play a trombone solo, tell them yes, as long as they play it so low it can't be heard.
ORCHESTRA DIRECTORS: Beethoven's Fifth Symphony was the first major work to use trombones. Program a lot of pieces up to Beethoven's Fourth.
PARENTS: Encourage your child to play often -- at school, for friends, at church -- whatever gets them out of the house.
SPOUSES: The laws of monogamy insure that there are no more trombone spouses than there are trombone players. Find other people in your situation, meet with them often and talk it out. You might consider starting a local chapter of Slide-Anon.
GENERAL PUBLIC: Remember, if we can land a person on the moon, we can produce a trombone player with musical restraint. Be patient.
|
|
|
The truth about trombonists.
Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don't shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn't hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don't count well, but stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play. It's a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good bowlers.
|
|
|
